It's scary to feel lonely in the midst of friends. Sometimes I feel like no one really understands me.

Boooo. I hate studying for finals. :( No motivation or whatsoever.

Trust

I want to be able to trust you.

I love new york. Magnolia cupcakes + Yogurtland + Chipotle + wandering around SoHo and Greenwich = A happy me. It was nostalgic revisiting my favorite summer haunts.. I think new york's my ideal city to work in, city-wise at least. I guess it could be the unfamiliarity of it which makes it attractive.

me wants..

:) Happy. Other than for midterms at least.

Lol. I'm tempted to get this, but its so impractical given how winter's almost upon us.

35 more days to warm sunny Singapore! :) I hate to admit this, but the cold dreary weather is starting to get me down. I know its my third winter, and I should be more or less used to the cold- and I am used to it, I just don't like it. :P Not until it snows at least. I think snow's pretty, at least until it turns to slush.. White powdery snow is just not something a city can boast of having.. It's raining rather terribly today, with strong wind. All I feel like doing is curling up in bed with a book, letting myself fall asleep if I get tired- but that's not going to happen. I've got yet another midterm tonight to study for.. :(

With a month left till finals start, it's really time for me to buck up. The past weekend was spent in a workless haze. :P Fri and sat were spent running around in a suit, leaving me exhausted at the end of saturday. I still find it hard to believe that I didn't manage to drag myself to the after party. :P There's always next year I guess. :) Sunday was spent in bed.. I think this is the most I've ever slept. 24 hrs of sleep in a 36 hr period- and I'm not even feeling well rested right now. Grrr. Sleep debt's no fun.

Just a couple more milestones before finals prep starts.. I can do it! :) Last sem of 7 classes- ever. I swear. Not gonna torture myself like this any more.

A student's life is an interesting one.. bumbling along from crisis to crisis.. somehow deriving some enjoyment along the way :P Every time I feel totally drained, something comes along and perk me up.. :)

I dunno why I've been more moody of late. Sorry, silly goose, I didn't mean to make you worry. Perhaps its just the terrible weather here of late. Today's totally bad- its raining and the temperature's hovering around 0 celcius, with the threat of snow tomorrow. :( I don't think I'm much of a wintry person. Fall and Spring are my favourite seasons (not Summer cuz its way too warm to be comfy).. but in order to experience them I kinda have to put up with Winter? :P I do like proper snow though, not slush.. Slush sucks cuz it gets on all my footwear.. I am 10x lazier and eat twice as much when it's cold though. Somehow venturing out to the gym in sub zero temperatures does not sound the least bit desirable when I'm warm and cosy in my room..

I think I get homesick when the weather changes. No matter how much I complain about the heat and humidity when I'm back, home will always have a special place in my heart. :) I had this super huge craving for pineapple fried rice and kang kong belachan yesterday. Surpressing it didn't work, so I took the train down to chinatown to get a take out.. :P Had it for dinner and supper yesterday, as well as breakfast and lunch today. You can imagine how huge the portions are. :P Cost and time of going down amortized over four meals isn't all that bad. :) The trouble I go to justify my actions amazes me at times.

Sighs. Seems like I'm getting the rude shock I need. I'm not doing well in most of my classes.. but hopefully that should change soon! :) No more skipping class.. Bleahs. And more attention ought to be paid in class I suppose.

You made my day. :)

It has been a happy month.. hopefully with many more to come! :)

Quote of the Day

"Falling in love is better than striking lottery; it's like striking lottery every day."

lol :P

Mid sem recap

Fall break's almost upon us, and I feel like the semester has barely started. I haven't been doing well this sem, probably cuz I haven't been paying enough attention to my classes. That needs to change before I screw up something major. I've been doing below expectations, but nothing terrifically horrible yet. I need a rude wake up shock to start mugging like I should. Half-hearted effort is insufficient for doing as well as I would like. Focus and discipline! :)

On a lighter note, I'm excited about going to boston tomorrow to meet up with siannie.. and visiting seattle with the girls over fall break. I need a proper break to feel recharged, and then it's mug mug mug all the way till finals. :))

Every day I'm learning new things. It has been an interesting journey, and I'm glad I'm not the only one who believes in unconditional love. :)

I feel like the luckiest girl on earth.

I love my silly goose.

Home for Christmas!

It seems as though things have changed quite a bit since thursday. I've decided on stopping by Singapore enroute to Zurich for my winter break trip. :) A week of respite in sunny Singapore before braving the cold in Zurich and Eastern Europe.. It is a slight extravagance to be in both Asia and Europe for winter break but it shd be well worth it.

I've an econ quiz tomorrow but I'm finding it trivial cuz we haven't had much material yet. There's some bs to be memorized abt the Ricardian model of trade though.. and I should get the mdown pat since they're probably needed tomorrow.

I've two full time interviews this week- both for pe shops that I might wanna consider working for. :) Let's c how they go.

Back in school

Hmm. Somehow I haven't thought of blogging in a while.. In the past 2 months, I've had a great time in ny, went home for a whirlwind 7 days, had great fun shopping and eating in hk, and am now back in school once again. I've more or less settled in and adjusted to my workload. It's not ideal, but I can live with it and I can't think of any class to drop at any rate. :) I miss being home though, and the current economic situation is perpetuating my fears that I'd be sans job upon graduation. Luckily, that's not for another 20 months. Hopefully, things will get better by then. I miss being a sophomore. Being a junior feels so.. old. I know there isn't much of a difference, but the idea that I'm now in the second half of my undergraduate education scares the shit out of me cuz I don't seem to know any more about what I want to be doing upon graduation. I definitely know more than when I first came here, but just having more knowledge does not equate to knowing what I want to do with my life..

I'm sitting in econ lecture now.. Going crazy cuz my prof has been going through differentiation since the start of class an hour ago.. This class should be about international economics! People who do not understand calculus should take a calculus class and not force the econ prof to go through simple calculus, wasting precious class time..

I never used to understand why loving someone involves setting them free, but I think I do now. It's all part and parcel of growing up.

I need to get started with my independent study paper. :( The first draft is due early Sep and all I have now is a skimpy outline. XP Sounds like I'm in trouble.

On a separate note- shopping in ny is great! :) I've found a number of great buys that I couldn't resist (but should have resisted) and ending up busting my budget but all's good.

3 more weeks to Singapore

3 more weeks of work and I'd be back home! :) Nyc has been fun thus far, but I really miss home. Workdays are long.. but generally busy.. and work nights are spent either meeting up with friends for dinner, going to the gym, or just plain chilling at home. :) There's so many facets to ny, so many areas to explore, each with its own special character. My favourite areas are SoHo, Greenwich Village, Chelsea, Union Square, Lower East Side, St Marks Place, and even the Museum Mile on the Upp East Side. :) I love exploring.. I should probably branch out into the 'burbs- brooklyn, queens and flushing are said to be interesting.. but I'm inclinced to go back to philadelphia on the weekends.

Booooo. I feel old and cranky. :P

My last day of being 20 feels.. strange in a way. I've been rather pensive lately, to the extent that jh could tell over the phone that something's not quite right. I've been re-evaluating a number of things of late, given how I've had more time to myself..

I've settled my housing plans for July and August- moving to this place in the financial district owned by a guy who just graduated from penn but isn't starting work yet. The place is currently unfurnished as they've just gotten their keys, but hopefully it'd be nice and homey soon. I've already made two trips to move stuff there, and hopefully everything else will fit into my suitcase. :D Shall try to depend on myself to move this time around. I've always needed help with moving.. :X Huan made a comment about girls using their feminine wiles to get things done- I never thought of it that way. I don't exactly use "my feminine wiles" when i need help- or so I thought.. Shall ask for less help in future. ;P

Birthday pics at cochon..
Devi and I share the same birthday!
The whole crowd.. of my fav people in philly..
Ice cream cake from baskin robbins..

Turtle cheesecake at Sabrina's..
Boston- near jh's place..
Siannie!!
Mar with cold stone at time's square..
Outside the theatre.. where we watch A Catered Affair..

With Yh at brasserie perrier where I had lovely duck confit..
End of sem chit chat session in mariam's room..
Rice pudding from Rice to Riches- this place near Spring and Lafayette where rice pudding is sold like ice cream with a gazillion flavors..
At Heartland Brewery with the fellow wharton interns after an incredibly boring talk at IBD..

I need an apartment.

Sighs. I'm sick of gg around looking at apartments.. I just want a reasonably priced place to stay at.. :( Feeling like an idiot now. Ugh.

Russ made very good spaghetti last night.. ;) Russ and Huan came up to ny on sat and we met up for lunch at Lola, this restaurant at the edge of SoHo. It was pretty good, but we were surprised that the place was rather empty during Saturday brunch. I want the carrot cake from Dean & Deluca. :X We tried the cheesecake and it was rather delish.

Finally got down to Ikea today to get the stools I've been thinking about for some time. Invested in a new comforter cover, pillows, as well as pillow cases (in case I'm taking the unfurnished apartment I'm on my way to view). I'm stressed about work.. :( Everyone's really nice but I don't feel like I'm getting up to speed fast enough. BOO. I don't like feeling inadequate.

Anyways I've received some birthday presents already. XP Russ got me a coach hp accessory in the shape of a key, and evil huan got me a 5kg tub of nutella!! He's out to make me fat. :P I'm sure he's deriving pleasure from the thought of me polishing off the entire tub.. It'd make a good door stop! Hehe. Given how heavy it is..

Ahh. Haven't updated in a while. Life has been hectic to say the least. I've since switched jobs- working at this PE shop now. Been running around trying to get work authorization and stuff since this job's paid- luckily everything is (almost) settled now. I've also found a new apartment for july and the rest of august; I'd be going down to Chelsea tomorrow to prepay the rent. I'd be going home on 17th Aug via hk and arriving on the 18th. :D Yay! Booked the hotel and air tix to visit hk on the 26th before flying back to penn.

Maria's visiting me now.. she has been here since tuesday. Mar's a terrible tourist. :P She explored central park (and nowhere else) while I was at work yesterday, and only came out to meet me for broadway after work today. We watched A Catered Affair and it was great! :) I always prefer the less well known musicals. We walked to times square and got cold stone. Red raspberry cheesecake ice cream with cookie dough mix in is yummy!

:)

Training week's officially over! :) I'm happy to have survived it. It was fun, learning how to model, how to use excel shortcuts etc etc.. My colleagues are great, and it IS fun living in nyc. I've explored a number of areas, but there's always more.. nyc is a gazillion times more interesting and exciting than philly, but philly is still dear to me. I'm going back to philly for the long weekend. Much as I enjoy nyc and its variety, philly is still home. :D

Work's fine. Working on semiconductor stocks this coming week. Lots of reading to do.. There's something strange at work I can't put my finger on though. Its not having all the information about what we're doing that bugs me. Somehow I feel like there's something the boss is hiding from us that we should know about. In any case, I've had a phone interview with a PE firm, and should be interviewing at their office some time next week. :) I don't really know how I want this to turn out though. It's potentially messy.. but I really have my reservations about my current job. It's not as though I have a contract with them anyways. I'm unpaid and its just a verbal agreement so I don't suppose it is terribly bad of me to leave earlier than I said I would, other than it being unfair on my fellow interns.

Speaking of which, which office has its interns working in conference rooms in the basement without having ever stepped into the actual office? Something is definitely fishy. :( I hate it when things are hidden from me.

Moved to ny last night. Ben mel and yx came up with me. I really appreciate the help. ;) Even my duffel was heavy.. I can't imagine if I had to take the bus up with all my things. :X Lunch yday was really good! The japanese fishcake soup was delish.. but the highlight was mel's carrot cake and apple crisp! The remnants of the carrot cake are in my fridge.. shall work on them later tonight when I'm hungry.

Falling asleep... accounting lectures are not fun.

Phew.

Results are all out, and I did ok. :)

Anyways.. I'd be moving to ny later today. Decided to take the apt in the end.

There's this guy whom I can't get out of my head. This is really really bad. :( I bumped into him downtown one day last week.. and we had lunch together. I actually agreed to have pizza. :X The conversation was good though. It's worth eating pizza for I suppose. I dunno why he's popping up in my thoughts though. I do not like him!! Bleahs. He's so nice and understanding though. I guess its refreshing to talk to someone who doesn't know that much about me, and is interested in knowing more? I wouldn't mind getting to know him better, but not beyond that I think. Sometimes I feel that I've a rather limited circle of friends, but this is due to my preference to hang out with people I'm more familiar with.. and hence feel more comfortable around.

I miss gina. :(

Went outlet shopping with ben mel joan and yx yday. Got a bunch of silly stuff like a new king sized comforter! Hehe. It's gorgeous, with light blue and white strips.. just right for summer!

Hmm

Ny trip was rather uneventful yesterday. I went to the apt and put down a deposit for it. It's small and not in a great neighbourhood, but at least it's cheap.. but later that day, the girl called me and told me that she mixed up her end dates. She's supposed to move out by 30th June, so I can only sublet her place till then. My internship would only end on 11th July. If I do take her place I'd be homeless for 2 weeks. :( She gave me till sunday to decide.. and wouldn't take my security deposit if I decide not to take it as the terms have changed. That is nice of her, but my conundrum is still unsolved.

Met up with a bunch of people yesterday. :) Pinkberry with francine in ny was fun.. I won't see her the entire summer!! There's always next semester I suppose. Russell made curry chicken for dinner, and it was really good. Other than the fact that they cooked brown rice (mainly for me cuz I don't eat white rice) but finished virtually all of it by the time I came back from ny. I had one spoonful of rice to go with the curry. :( Met up with mariam too, and bummed at her place watching funny youtube videos.. and the night went downhill from there.

Met up with him to talk about our problems.... wasn't exactly a fruitful conversation. He was being stubborn, and tried to pin the blame on me. I was seriously furious. A heated argument ensued and.. I figured he doesn't want the truth and so I told him what he wants to hear and that was that. It was rather funny though. Some friends came in, and this guy came over to sit down and talk to us for a bit. It came as a relief. I didn't really want to justify myself. Talking to him never seems to help. Things just appear fine on the surface after that.. but once I scratch deep enough, everything is still there and unresolved. Useless compromises to keep the peace.

Updates

Finals are over! :)

Got a phone call from germany this morning- they've found someone more suited to the job than I am. Ahwells. I'd love to be in munich, but I don't suppose I'd be that great a marketing intern. :) Everything's for the best I suppose.

An update on the ny housing issue: I spoke to a fellow colleague last night, and he mentioned that he'd be staying in philadelphia this summer too, and would be commuting to ny whenever required. I emailed the boss since his earlier email said that I'm the only one who still wants to live in philadelphia, and his reply was that he didn't know, but he's still interviewing more people so there might be more who'd be staying in Philadelphia. What am I supposed to do now? I'm on my way to ny to see an apt and pay the rent on it. ARGH. This is horribly annoying. I suppose I'd get the place regardless and hope I don't regret it. It's such a hassle finding reasonably priced ny apts. :(((

Finally..

One last paper, 6hrs and 30 more minutes, and I'd be done!! Half of my undergraduate career would be over. :( Okay. That's enough I guess. I almost sound like I'm graduating but there's still two more years to go. I'm sick and tired of studying, but this last exam is crucial. I haven't been doing that great in this class, so I'd need to do exteremely well on the final to boost up my grade. Especially since it's a major class.. International Financial Markets.. Strangely enough, I don't feel like I know a lot more about forex than I did before. :X I mean, I guess I now know how to compute the values of outstanding swaps and hedging strategies and what nots... but that wouldn't really be useful unlesss I want to go into trading.

Anyways. A friend just told me that he's still angry. He's 24 years old and still angry about this small matter after 10 days??? That is extremely juvenile. I can be considered petty, but even then, I generally stop being angry after a few days? SIGHS. He shall be ignored.

Annoyed

Sighs. I am annoyed. The company which I am working for has pretty much informed me that I should look for housing in ny as I'd be the only one still staying in Philadelphia. Context: I'm interning in ny (unpaid) for the first half of summer, and the company told me that I could stay in Philadelphia and work from here as there would be other interns who'd want to work from Philadelphia too. NY rent is exorbitant, but I guess most of the others have found housing either by bunking over with siblings or friends for the duration. I'm not miffed about having to stay in ny, but rather, that the plans change so much. I was initially thinking of finding a place in ny, and even went up to look at some apartments, but eventually decided on not getting one since the locations were inconvenient or the rent was slightly too steep. In addition, the company mentioned that we might have a training week in Philadelphia, and that would defeat the purpose of me getting a place in ny! Sighs. Everything is a mess.

In any case, I've interviewed for 2 positions in the past week. One is for an RTA position in school, and the other is a marketing intern position in Munich. I'd love to work in Germany!! The position's unpaid, but the company would pay for my airfare to Munich, for accommodations there, as well as ground transportation, which sounds great to me. :D I'd be hearing back from them next week. Keeping my fingers crossed!

Sleepiness and Unproductiveness

This is rather terrible. I've been sleeping at 3 or 4am for the past 3 nights and my sleeping cycle is screwed up. Studying has definitely not been efficient for a while. I did have 2 great conversations last night though. One with joan over dinner, and another with jh in the middle of the night. I love how joan and I can just talk freely- our conversations are full of laughter when its just the two of us. It didn't feel as nice later on when he joined us for supper though. I was quite annoyed. When I was trying to say something, he made this "shh" sound which is extremely condescending. Conclusion: he's a jerk and I should seek to avoid him as much as possible. I was still upset when I came back, and went to look for jh for a nice long chat. I've resolved to change, to stop being silly, and to cut off most forms of contact. :) That should make me a happier person. It's not as though I need him to be around. Him being present does add value, but the negative side effects far outweigh the positive value he brings to my life. Shoo. Be gone. You were the one who told me to go away the other night, childish boy.

Tutoring/Mentoring

Do I really enjoy tutoring and mentoring? I do derive satisfaction when my student understands a concept, or see an idea from a new viewpoint from before. At those points in time, I am truly happy, but am I on the whole? Yesterday I had an interview for a Residential Teaching Assistant (RTA) position at the engineering school's summer camp for high school students to be held in July. I was asked questions about why I've done so much tutoring and mentoring and where I see myself going with that. I couldn't answer that question well, because I really am not sure. Sometimes I wonder why I tutor. The pay isn't sufficient to justify the value of my time (especially during finals week).. so do I derive sufficient utility to continue with tutoring next year? My mum has been on my case to focus on my studies, but I'm really bad at that. I don't think the amount of time commitment has much to do with how well I focus, as I could easily be unproductive with my free time when I don't see the need to do something then and there. :P I love working on the biodiesel project with Saul High School though. Consistent contact with young curious minds.. about something chemical engineering related. It's almost a perfect match! :) Hopefully the plan to design a reactor works out next semester. We haven't had a great batch of diesel thus far probably due to less than precise laboratory equipment in the high school chemistry lab. On our very first visit to Saul we actually worked in the work shop (its an agricultural charter school).. It was fun nevertheless. :)

Anyways I seem to be rambling off my initial topic.. I've been tutoring a lot in the past weeks. End of semester tutoring with the tutoring center, as well as private tutoring (this gal emailed me to ask if I would help her). I guess I don't really think that the extra time would be better spent studying (I wouldn't exactly be efficient from 10pm-2am), but I guess staying up to tutor does make me tired the next day, and therefore be less inclined to focus on the work at hand. Today, for example, I studied for something like 2 hrs in the day (I was rudely awoken after 5 hrs of sleep by a wrong number call and was sleepy) and proceeded to drag russ out on an "excursion" downtown for food and got tempted by ben thereafter to go shopping at the nearby mall. The traffic there and back was horrendous, but I got a couple of good buys. A hoodie, a sweater and a shirt dress for $30 isn't bad at all. I can't wait to go outlet shopping after finals!

In any case, I've only cost accounting and international financial markets left. It's liberating to know that I'm DONE with 5 out of my 7 courses. :D Never again, I swear. 7 courses is not fun. Unless of course, I decide to do both accounting and finance concentrations.. That's a choice I'd leave to senior year.

Time for a change?

I've had the other blog for almost 2 years now. I've changed a lot since I started blogging, and I thought my blog should reflect this.. I'm almost 21- and I've learned a lot along the way, especially in the last two years away from home. It does feel different studying in the states, away from everything familiar in singapore. I love my life here, but there's some things I need to break away from. One's first relationship always had a massive impact when things go wrong.. but the strong one is able to stand up, walk away, and tidy up the pieces. The title of my blog means with all of one's strength is going to be my mantra from now on. I'm going to do what ever I set out to do with all of my strength! :)